When Building Your Wife's Coffin
by
Christopher Collins
… consider the correct tools.
First, you'll need heartwood from the cherry tree in the backyard. The tree that once bore your carved initials before the bark withered and blackened, and the carvings were lost to time. You should fell the tree with a forestry ax and saw it into boards, taking care to dry the lumber over the course of one winter.
Then you'll need nails of galvanized steel, four inches and no longer prick-sharp with a small head for burrowing between dense wood particles. The nails can even penetrate healthy human bone, which should be secured to the coffin’s bottom to minimize movement during and after burial.
You’ll need a hammer, of course, to drive the nails home. A simple ball-peen, lightweight and easy to conceal in a coat pocket, is up for the task. It can reach hard-to-whack areas, such as a toe-nail in a tightly mitered corner—or a person’s C1 vertebrae, which protects the brain stem from injury and whose damage can induce paralysis but not necessarily unconsciousness.
Use a woodworker’s awl to "pre-drill" the nail holes, reducing the risk of tear-out and splintering. The needlepointed tool is also indispensable in the examination of a person’s person—no matter if that person is your wife, or her (suspected) lover: her boss who suggests low-cut blouses and late nights inside a high-rise office building downtown. The boss who drops her at home when your car’s in the shop, whose Mercedes sedan eases away from your crumbling curb as your wife stumbles inside, her mouth reeking of merlot, her collar of cologne. Just to be safe, make the coffin roomy. Make it big enough to seat two.
Your wife’s grave should be unmarked and very deep; her funeral service should be brief and intimate. After which you are encouraged to clean your tools and cut your losses. Move on to the next town, to the next wife, like you have so many times before. Take comfort in your careful carpentry—by the time another soul glimpses any one of your wives’ coffins; you’ll already be safely underground in your own.
First, you'll need heartwood from the cherry tree in the backyard. The tree that once bore your carved initials before the bark withered and blackened, and the carvings were lost to time. You should fell the tree with a forestry ax and saw it into boards, taking care to dry the lumber over the course of one winter.
Then you'll need nails of galvanized steel, four inches and no longer prick-sharp with a small head for burrowing between dense wood particles. The nails can even penetrate healthy human bone, which should be secured to the coffin’s bottom to minimize movement during and after burial.
You’ll need a hammer, of course, to drive the nails home. A simple ball-peen, lightweight and easy to conceal in a coat pocket, is up for the task. It can reach hard-to-whack areas, such as a toe-nail in a tightly mitered corner—or a person’s C1 vertebrae, which protects the brain stem from injury and whose damage can induce paralysis but not necessarily unconsciousness.
Use a woodworker’s awl to "pre-drill" the nail holes, reducing the risk of tear-out and splintering. The needlepointed tool is also indispensable in the examination of a person’s person—no matter if that person is your wife, or her (suspected) lover: her boss who suggests low-cut blouses and late nights inside a high-rise office building downtown. The boss who drops her at home when your car’s in the shop, whose Mercedes sedan eases away from your crumbling curb as your wife stumbles inside, her mouth reeking of merlot, her collar of cologne. Just to be safe, make the coffin roomy. Make it big enough to seat two.
Your wife’s grave should be unmarked and very deep; her funeral service should be brief and intimate. After which you are encouraged to clean your tools and cut your losses. Move on to the next town, to the next wife, like you have so many times before. Take comfort in your careful carpentry—by the time another soul glimpses any one of your wives’ coffins; you’ll already be safely underground in your own.