Your Perfect Day

by

Jacqueline Doyle​

I know it was supposed to be your perfect day, but I don’t think I ruined it, my speech lasted what, twelve minutes or so, and guests really need some comic relief at weddings, they’ve heard a lot of forgettable speeches before and mine wasn’t, and okay, I’d had too much to drink but so had everyone else at that point, they were ready for some laughs, I know I’m your only sister and you felt you had to ask for a toast despite your misgivings, but maybe if you didn’t always have misgivings about me I wouldn’t fuck up as often, and really what was so bad about telling that joke you’re so pissed about or that anecdote about you and your old boyfriend, it’s not like he was at the wedding or anything, and probably you’ve told your husband everything, I mean you don’t have any secrets, at least that’s what you told me, and I really am not envious of your so-called perfect life, because who wants a perfect life if it means working 9 to 5 at a job like yours and coming home to a guy like your fiancé, that is, husband, who, face it, is kind of bland but that’s probably what you like about him, am I right, no surprises like your old boyfriend who you’ve got to admit was pretty hot, but not marriage material, and once you have kids, you’ll want someone who will stick around and change diapers and stuff, and I was not being passive aggressive, I really don’t want kids, who would want to be trapped at home with babies who’ll grow into obnoxious teenagers, and when I implied you were getting married because you were pregnant, wink wink, that was just a standard wedding joke in toasts like that, and I’m sure no one took it seriously, that is not unless you’re actually pregnant….Oh fuck. Really?